Two Wild Takes | Reading Reddit Stories (w/@TwoHotTakes )

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0:00-1:19 Intro
1:20-8:39 My husband stole shallots from gardens https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/duplicates/a7idgp/found_out_husband_is_the_one_stealing_shallots/
8:40-14:06 I made fake throw up to skip school https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/1887z85/i_made_fake_throw_up_to_stay_home_from_school/
14:07-21:32 I used the bathroom after a hot girl https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/17dcyt8/tifu_by_using_the_bathroom_after_a_hot_girl/
21:33-29:13 I accidentally created an army of crows https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/ki6fnd/oregon_i_accidentally_created_an_army_of_crow/
29:14-32:05 I exposed myself at Chuck E. Cheese https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/16xh6n8/i_just_exposed_my_nether_region_to_a_bunch_of/
32:06-36:19 I ruined sexy time by thinking about Spongebob https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1agl2en/tifu_by_ruining_sexy_time_because_i_was_thinking/
36:20-37:23 Sponsors!
37:24-40:59 Our initials made our cake topper inappropriate https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/14d1wiv/tifu_by_not_realizing_our_initials_made_our_cake/
41:00-46:06 I ate my pregnant wife’s leftovers https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18icix7/aita_for_eating_my_pregnant_wifes_leftovers/
46:07-51:48 I vetoed all TV show names for our kid https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1ahh5yk/aita_for_not_just_dropping_it_and_putting_a/?share_id=KFLHMEuJjrbkxRPLDcQ-o&utm_content=1&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=4
51:49-1:05:09 My girlfriend smells https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/19eb5ox/my_girlfriend_smells_24f_24f/

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– Welcome back to “Reddit Stories.” I’m Shayne. Today I am joined by Tommy, and from the “Two Hot Takes Podcast,” Morgan Absher is here. – Hello. – Man. I’ve been wanting this happen for a while. This is really cool. – I’m so excited. – Yeah.

You are more familiar with Reddit than anyone here. – No. – I think you- – You’re halfway to 100, right? – We are past 50 episodes. But I mean, you’ve had to have gone through thousands of posts by now. – Yeah, quite a few.

– Yeah. And you source all of the stories on your show. – Yeah, I mean, you came on, you saw it’s kind of a one girl circus. – Really impressive. – Yeah. It’s chaos. – Yeah. Meanwhile, I’m reading these for the first time. I luckily don’t have to scroll through all of Reddit.

Our production team over there, they’re skeletons right now after going through. They’re like (groans) But I went on your show. It was a great time. – Yeah. – So thank you for joining us here. – I’m so excited. – Yeah. Kind of a loose theme of just goofy and wacky today. Some silly stuff. – That came out of me. I don’t think I chose to do that – Just happened. – Yeah. – All right. Let’s get into this. – Do it. – I like it. – All right. First one up, this comes from Relationship Advice.

This is from 2018, so this is a little bit of an older one. – Vintage. – “Found out husband is the one stealing shallots “from neighborhood gardens.” – Okay. – All right. Already kind of a fan. – Yeah. – Here we go. “This has been going on for several years.

“I live in a small rural neighborhood with an HOA “where the houses are spread apart, “but neighbors are expected to keep their houses “and yards nice. “As with most HOAs, “some members can get a little carried away “with the seriousness of it all. “There’ll be passive aggressive emails about escape dogs,

“shirtless runners, unsightly fencing, et cetera. “It really annoys my husband. “I just laugh at it. “Well, a few years ago, the neighbors got together “and made a community garden in the center lot. “There were a lot of emails sent about this, a lot of drama.

“I don’t remember all of it, but people would get upset “if someone took up too much space with their plants, “planted something unsightly, et cetera. “So then we start getting emails complaining “that someone was picking all the shallots/onions “out of the garden. “Some people thought it could be deer eating them.

“There were several theories. “The next year, the same thing happened, “and then people were also complaining “that the onion/shallots were going missing “from their personal gardens. “This year, it started happening again, “and people flipped out. “All caps emails, demands to interrogate teenage residents, “requests to put security cameras in the communal garden.

“Two houses were hit, “and then people started staking out in their gardens “and putting up game cameras. “It started out being funny “because I’m not involved with gardening, “so it was just amusing to read all the emails. “But this year people are getting really upset “and wanting to get law enforcement involved.

“So anyway, you already know what happens. “I walk down the bottom of our property “that I don’t visit often, “and I find a lot of smashed onions and shallots, “like absolutely smashed to bits. “It clearly took a lot of work. “I went inside and told my husband jokingly,

“‘I think we’re being framed for the onion heist.’ “He got this really weird look on his face, “and I had the realization “and asked him if he didn’t have anything to do with this. “He confessed to me that he did “and had been stealing the onions and shallots “to spite the neighbors.

“He was sneaking out at night to do this. “I asked him why, and he said he just hates them so much.” – Oh my god. – I love that. – “I don’t even know. “This makes me really uncomfortable. “The man is 31 and sneaking out at night to steal onions, “and I didn’t even notice. “Why wouldn’t he just tell me? “Like, this has been going on for three years.

“It’s not like he just did it once as a prank. “I don’t know what to do. “Can anyone help me think this through? “Maybe I’m overreacting, but I’m pretty upset.” Okay, that took a turn, and I’m really upset about this too ’cause I was expecting her to be like,

“Yeah, these onions have been missing, “and meanwhile my husband’s steaks “that he makes are just incredible.” – Yeah. – Just like the stews he’s been making, ah. – The house always smells so good. – [Shayne] Yeah. – Fragrance. – What the (beep) – No, I’m mad. I hate when people are just petty and wasteful. Like, you’re stealing food from people just outta spite for three years? – That’s crazy. – That’s wild. – That’s insane. – It’s a lot of work. – Yeah. – So much work.

– He’s like Batman except evil. – Yeah. There’s more psychologically crazy ways to spite your neighbors that doesn’t waste food. – Yeah. For sure. – I’m like… – Especially an HOA. I mean- – Oh yeah. – HOAs have far too much power, I will say. Like, they’re a little unhinged.

But I mean, there’s other ways he could have done it versus like stealing food from people that they’re putting hard work into gardening. Like, I had a garden with my grandma. That is not easy. – No. I love gardening and I love onions and shallots. No, this hurts.

– Which one do you like more? – It depends on what you’re making. It really depends. If you’re cooking a steak, a shallot is really great with that, and shallots are good for some things, but it depends on the onions too. – Yeah. – Are these red onions, these yellow onions, white onions?

They’re all used for different purposes. – You sound like a little chef over there. – Aw. A little chef. – I’ve been hanging out with Trevor. – Yes, chef. – I just love that she asks like, “Why are you doing this?” And he’s just like, “I’m filled with hate.”

– I’m filled with hate, and I’m an angry man. – We need to get this guy a hobby. – Dude, seriously. Teach him how to cook. – He needs a hobby. But what do you do, like, besides chain him up at night? – Like a werewolf. – What do you do? Like, I mean, you get to that point where it’s like this isn’t divorce worthy. This isn’t like- – Right. – It’s not that serious. But it’s like, okay, like, honey, like they got game cams now. Like, they’re gonna get you eventually.

– Get him an onion costume. – Ooh. – He can be like the onion man, and now he’s gonna deliver onions to everybody. This is how we make it up. – He has to pay them all back. – Retribution. – Yeah. – I could get behind that. – Deliver onions.

– [Morgan] That seems fair. – Honey, I found an onion under my pillow again. – Oh hoo hoo! – I hate this. The neighborhood could have found him if they all got together and everyone was like all sitting around and then they put an onion in the middle. – See who smashes it.

– And then the husband’s just like (yells) Just like goes out there with a mallet. This is hilarious. Some comments here. “Here’s what you do. “You cover that evidence up ASAP. “You’re his wife and sorry, “but you know where the onions are buried “and you need to make sure there’s no evidence left.

“Hurry, if they are that pissed, “they will eventually find out. “After that, you need to talk to him “about how people now have cameras “and I bet you there’s at least one person “who hasn’t told anyone they put theirs up. “He can get caught now.

“He needs to put his bad boy ways aside “and cool it for a bit.” – His bad boy ways. – But a photo of him on a game cam stealing onions is so funny. – Hilarious. – That’s so funny. Like a Sasquatch literally just like… Great. – Oh my god.

I think he could have a career as a PI though. Like, these are valuable skills that he’s attuned at this point. Three years and not getting caught, you know? – He needs to level up to stealing diamonds at this stage. I mean, you know, if you’re gonna steal things, do it well, right?

– Yeah. – Someone else said, “Stress can be a really dangerous thing. “Some people drink, some are abusive under stress. “Your husband is harmlessly facetious “and kept you consistently entertained for three years “without you knowing. “I’d consider you blessed.” That has 4,000 up votes. – Oh my god.

– So a lot of people see it that way too. – Wow. – Yeah, I wonder what happened. There’s no update on this, but he does have to stop or he is gonna get caught. – Yeah. You could probably get sued. – Oh.

– I feel like you can sue for anything these days. – I don’t know anything- – [Morgan] Anything. – I don’t know anything about community gardens. I don’t know the laws regarding them. – [Morgan] Yeah. – But at the very least, he will be shunned by this neighborhood. – Yeah.

– If it is a community garden, couldn’t he take the onions ’cause he’s part of the community? – My understanding of community gardens though is that it’s a community space, but you plant your own. – Oh. – Yeah. – That makes sense. – I wouldn’t take someone else,

Like someone else grows an onion, I’m not gonna take it. – But he went to private gardens too. – Right. No, I know that part of the crime. – He got too greedy. – Yeah. He got too greedy. – Too much. – I just can’t believe he smashed the onions.

– That’s the disappointing part. – That’s the part that I’m like, you know, it went to waste for three years. – Donate to a food shelf or something. – So many ways he could have done this. – There’s so many better ways. – Bloomin’ onion. – Ah. – [Morgan] Oh.

– Come on. – Come on. – I know. Anyways, moving on. – [Tommy] Hell yeah. – This comes from r/Confession. This is from last year. “I made fake throw up to stay home from school “when I was 11.” – That’s awesome. – “This isn’t some big juicy confession.

“Just something I did that’s funny to me “because I just remembered it and have told no one. “When I was 11, I was going to this private school “and hated it, got bullied and all that shit. “Anyway, I literally would cry to my mom

“saying I didn’t want to go, and she let me stay home a lot, “but finally she said I couldn’t stay home anymore. “So one night I decided to fake sick “because she wouldn’t just let me not go for no reason. “Apparently faking that I got sick in the toilet

“and flushed it wasn’t believable enough. “So I had the idea to make my own. “It was about 11:00 PM. “Mom and Dad were dead asleep. “I went to the kitchen and remembered getting milk, salsa, “different kinds of chips, juice, “and maybe some cheese or something.

“Anyway, I crushed up the chips, mixed it all up in a bowl “and put it in the microwave for like one minute. “I proceeded to my bedroom and poured it all on the carpet. “It didn’t smell as bad as actual throw up would,

“but I had to hurry, so I put on my fake sick face and voice “and went to my Mom’s room. “Told her, made her come to my room to see the masterpiece, “and she just looked at it with no reaction. “She was genuinely unfazed. “She wasn’t comforting me like she usually would.

“She also has a very weak stomach and didn’t gag at all. “Just had no emotion. “She said, ‘Okay, clean this up and go back to bed.’ “And walked back to her room. “I was low-key disappointed “because that’s really how you’re gonna act to my hard work? “LMAO.

“Anyway, next morning she woke me up for school, “and I laid in bed until she came back again “and said something like, “‘Do you remember I got sick last night? “‘I still don’t feel good.’ “And she literally just said, ‘Yeah, just stay home.’ “Nothing else. “No ‘hope you feel better.’

“No ‘let me take your temperature.’ “No ‘you’re going to the doctor’ like usual. “Thinking back on it, “she 100% knew it was fake and it’s low-key embarrassing. “Maybe she saw the effort and was like, “‘Okay, she really doesn’t want to go.’ “To this day, I have no idea what possessed me

“to make fake throw up. “Really unnecessary. “Anyway, that’s all. “Sorry if it was lame. “I just never told anyone.” – It’s been eating them alive. For years. – Oh God. Just, guys, I have to tell you. – I have to get this out. – Yeah, I feel like a parent would probably have seen so much throw up by that point that they’re like, “That’s not, I know what this looks like.”

– You can tell what throw up is versus some wet chips on the ground. – Yeah. I like to think there’s still a wrapper. It’s like, “Okay, did you eat that?” – Salsa chunks. – Ah, Mom, I threw up and it smells so good. – Go grab another chip. Just dip. – Yeah. – Yeah. Damn. Did you guys ever pull any shit like this to try to get outta school? – I was notorious for not going to school. I in eighth grade actually missed 241 class periods. – That’s awesome. – My dad called the secretary

And got to a point where he was like, “I’m just gonna call you “when she’s actually coming to school.” – Oh. – It was pretty bad. – Oh. – But I made it. – Yeah. But we made it. – I made it. You know, I ended up doing okay.

But yeah, I hated school. – Oh wow. You just didn’t wanna go? – I didn’t wanna go. I then got bullied really bad, so like I get it. It’s not enjoyable, but then it’s like, well, what do you do when you have a kid in this?

It’s kind of, you switch schools or, you know? It’s tough. – It’s kind of an ordeal to like figure out what to do with your kid if the school isn’t right for them or something. – Yeah. – I definitely tried to pull some stuff. I never went that far.

Also, screw him for doing it on a carpet. If I was the mom, I’d be like, “On the carpet, Billy?” Or whoever it was. – Yeah. Do it in a sink – Do it in a sink. – The toilet. – Do it in the toilet and just be like, “Mom, look.” – Yeah.

– Literally. – You didn’t believe me before. Look. – Don’t have to microwave the chips if the toilet’s wet. – What was up with the microwave? – I don’t know. I think he wanted to like get it together. – Some comments here. “Yeah, she knew you faked it,

“but she also realized how badly you hated school, “so she let you stay home.” – Right. – “Don’t be embarrassed. “No one should have to put up with bullying.” Someone else said, “Yeah, she knew she hadn’t fed you all those things “in the past six hours.

“Real vomit would’ve looked like whatever you had “for dinner.” Lastly, someone said, “You’re the Picasso of fake vomit artistry. “If only Mom had given it the standing ovation it deserved.” OP said, “I know. Literally ignored it.” – She was at her wit’s end. – I know.

She’s like, “Stay home.” – She was just over this. Like, “Oh my god, again?” – I never faked sick, but… I wasn’t someone who loved school or hated school. It was kind of an in-between, but I got out of it by becoming a child actor. – Oh, that’s what I should have done.

– Guys, you should get on “iCarly.” – Yeah. – Oh – And then you never have to go to school ever again. – Mom, I don’t wanna go to school. I’m on “iCarly.” – Oh, I can’t go to school today. I’m an actor. Meanwhile I’m in college online and convincing myself.

– I messed up. – We messed up. – We messed up. We should have been, yeah. – We all ended up here. – That’s true. That’s true. – We all ended up in the same place. I don’t know what to tell you. We all ended up reading Reddit here. – Oh my god. – Okay, moving on. Okay, hold on. – [Morgan] I’m scared. – Our producers have written into this.

For our audience, don’t be eating right now. – Oh no. – Okay. Just a fair warning. “Today I (beep) up by using the bathroom after a hot girl.” – Yeah, I know where this is going. – Yeah. – “So today I was eating lunch “at this bombass Mexican restaurant in my area.” – Oh no. – “I absolutely love their food. “And they serve their chips with the enchilada sauce “on top with melted cheese. “Good lawd.” – Okay. – “Good lawd. “Anyways, I get up to use the bathroom, “which is only a one person unisex bathroom “with a wooden door. “I’m standing behind waiting for my turn, “and up behind me walks a hot girl. “Being a gentleman, I naturally let her cut in front of me.

“At no point in time was I hitting on her “or was I expecting anything in return, “simply trying to be a gentleman. “However, I will note that she was pretty attractive. “The person walks out, and then she goes in. “A few moments later, she quietly walks out,

“smiles at me as if she’s thanking me, and then I go in. “Good godfather almighty, makers of heaven and earth, “I completely fell to the ground. “The smell was absolutely horrific “and could best be described as soggy salt water sand “mixed with rancid meat.” – Oh. – “I immediately started to gag

“and breathe through my mouth. “This only made it worse “because I started to taste the smell, “which only made me more sick. “Then I look in the toilet to see the crime scene. “She didn’t even flush the toilet.” – That’s gross. – No. – “It was like accidentally clicking

“on the worst not safe for work picture “in a sleazy underground unmoderated forum “or clicking open the mysterious AVI file you downloaded “from Limewire back in the 2000s. “I kid you not that by this time I was having trouble “keeping my eyes open as I flushed the toilet.

“My mouth began to water as I gagged and dry heaved. “I’m over two years sober and haven’t felt that feeling “since I quit drinking alcohol. “I threw my hand over my mouth “as my delicious food started to come out “and expanded my cheeks like two balloons.” “I emptied the contents into the toilet, flush, “unlike Miss Manner School Dropout, and bolt out the door. “I go up to the restaurant staff “and pull an Ace Ventura shouting, ‘Do not go in there.'” “Of course, then I think “that they’re going to think it was me, “so I tell them that I swear it wasn’t me, “followed by demanding “that someone empty a bottle of Febreeze “or air freshener in the bathroom. “Ms. Chernobyl Butt was gone by this point. “I also learned today

“that something small, innocent looking, and pretty “is capable of making the worst smell “ever created in mankind. “Typing this, “I still have remnants of the lingering smell in my nose, “and when I got home, I threw all of my clothes “in the washer and took a hot shower.” Yeah, damn. – Wow. – Wow. Author. – [Shayne] Wow. – Wow. – Yeah, he really, really- – Really painted the picture. – Expanded on that. – Yeah. – I have no gaps visually, mentally, like- – Oh, it’s, we’re full. – Wow. – We know everything. – Wow. Too much. Too much.

– Yeah, you never can underestimate anyone in this world. – No, and there’s hot girl IBS, like- – Yeah. – Yeah. – You should have known. You should have known. Don’t let a hot girl cut in line before you. But, you know, I’ll give her a pass for the stomach issues,

But the not flushing… – Yeah, that’s always mind blowing to me. – Yeah. – It must’ve been such an insane experience for her that she like blacked out and came to- – Oh, she was like tripping, – [Shayne] Stumbled out. – Sweating. – She didn’t even realize what had just happened. – Yeah.

– But she did smile. – She did smile. – Which like- – Shyly. She was just like, “Yeah.” – I don’t have that much trust in toilets, even if it’s automatic. I do not trust them. I’m not gonna embarrass myself, especially a single bathroom. – [Shayne] No. Yeah.

– Come on, just courtesy look. – It’s just reflex by this point. – Yeah. – And even though it’s reflex, I flush. I make sure it’s- – [Tommy] Yeah, you gotta check. – But then I still have the thing, it’s like a garage door where you leave and you’re like,

“I did do that.” – Did I, right? – I did. – Oh, especially in my own home. I’m like, “Is there anything mellowing in there or did I?” I’m like, “Sure, use the bathroom.” And I’m like- – Wait. – Oh no. Also, this guy, he’s like,

“Wow, now I learned that hot girls shit.” It’s like, yeah, we’re a bunch of bags and straws. It doesn’t matter what your outside looks like, you’re gonna shit. It’s gonna be shit. – Okay, this is just me if I was in this situation.

I don’t let people, if I’m in line for the bathroom, I’m not letting someone hop in front of me unless they come up and they’re like, “Please, please, for the love of God,” and I’m not in that same situation. But if someone just walks up, I’m not gonna be like,

“Oh, you go in front of me.” – No. – Right. – I think I wouldn’t trust someone if they said that. If I walk up and they’re like, “Oh, you hop in front of me.” I’d be like, “Why?” – What’s in there? – Why? – What’s in there?

– What do you know that I don’t know? – No, you go first. – Something’s wrong. – There’s like a Jack-in-the-box like spring ready to get you. Like, what’s happening in there? – A couple comments. “If she had flushed it might have been worse. “FYI, the staff assumes you did it.” Someone replied,

“I read his story and I still think he did it.” Someone else said, “OP just mad his crush asserted dominance.” – Hell yeah. – Lastly, someone said, “Plot twist, it was the dude before her, LOL.” That is a theory. If she was just going in there not to use the bathroom, just to like, I don’t know, anything else, then, but I don’t know.

– I feel like she would’ve warned him. – Oh yeah. – Like a courtesy warn. Like, “Hey-” – If it wasn’t, yeah, – I just went in here and maybe you should go next door. Like, it’s really bad. ‘Cause I clogged a toilet on a trip recently.

– This is so brave of you to share. – I know. I know. I was in London. It was Notting Hill. There’s no public bathrooms. You know, you have the second coffee and you start sweating. Everyone’s been there. And I go into this restaurant- – Everyone’s been to Notting Hill. – No. Like- The poop sweats. – I know, I know, I know. – And so I like, I run in and I’m like, “Can I get a table?” Like, “Yeah, it’s gonna be a bit.” “Okay, where’s the bathroom?” Run downstairs. Single stalls. Men’s, women’s. Okay. So I go to the bathroom.

I not only run outta toilet paper, or so I think, there’s some behind me. But yeah, it’s clogged. 10 flushes and it’s not going anywhere. And there’s girls knocking on the door. I have to finally open the door, and I go, “I’m so sorry girls, like this toilet’s not flushing.

“I’m just trying to like make sure it’s good “before you get in here.” And, you know, I do get it, mostly good. But it was an old wonky toilet, and there was only so much I can do, and I ran. I did not get anything in that restaurant. I ran out.

I was like, “These girls can’t see me.” I was checking the back of my coat for poop on it. Like, it was horrendous. It was the worst experience I’ve had with the bathroom in quite some time. – You still did your civic duty of trying though. – I tried.

– You know, that’s what’s important. It’s like a doctor tries to save a life, you know? You’re a doctor. – I am a doctor actually. – Yeah. – No, like actually, – Actually. – You’re actually a doctor? – Yeah, I have a doctorate in occupational therapy. – And not in Reddit? – No. – It’s crazy. – We should create that though. We could partner on a course. – Yeah. – Oh wait! Oh my god, I’m in class right now.

– With my bachelor’s degree, I can really help out. – Can I be your first student? – Yeah. – Okay. – All right, moving on. This one comes from Legal Advice, so we are of no use. – Not lawyers. – Here we go. This is in Oregon. “I accidentally created an army of crow bodyguards. “Am I liable if my murder attempts murder?” – Oh, that’s a pun, yeah.

– So I think this is Edgar Allen Poe. “To make a long story short, “I’m a late 20-something living in Portland, Oregon. “I had a pretty intense emo/goth phase “as a tween that I thought I had grown out of. “A couple months ago, I was watching a nature program “on our local station about crows.

“The program mentioned that if you feed and befriend them, “crows will bring you small gifts. “My emo phase came back full force, “and I figured that I was furloughed and had lots of time, “so why not make some crow friends? “My plan worked a little too well,

“and the resident five crows in my neighborhood “have turned into an army 15 strong. “At first, my neighbors didn’t mind and enjoyed it. “They’re mostly elderly “and most were in a bird watching club anyway. “They thought the fact “that I had crows following me around “wherever I went outside was funny.

“Lately, the crows have started defending me. “My neighbor came over for a socially distanced chat, “me on the porch, her in my yard, “and the crows started dive bombing her. “They would not stop until she left my yard. “They didn’t make physical contact with her, “but they got very close.

“Am I liable if these crows injure someone since I fed them? “I obviously can’t control the crows. “I would rather them not attack my neighbors. “But since I technically created this nuisance, “could I be financially on the hook for any injuries? “To be clear, they’re not aggressive 100% of the time.

“If just the neighbors are out, “they are friendly, normal crows. “They only get aggressive when someone gets close “to me or my property. “TLDR, I have turned into Moira Rose, queen of the crows. “My inadvertent crow army “has gotten aggressive towards others. “If they hurt someone, could I be held liable?

“Also, I did not train these birds to attack. “Also, thank you all for your awards. “I’m glad my stupid decisions bring you joy. “Please consider donating that money “to your local Audobon Society instead.” – Wow. – Well, I’m not a lawyer, so I can’t give that advice,

But I am a fan of crows, and I think that’s awesome. And I will say during lockdown, I attempted the same exact thing. – You did? – I would go to the park with like blueberries in my pocket. I’m not kidding. I would go to this, I would walk-

– This is the most wholesome thing you’ve ever said. – No, it was like my lockdown goal. – I love this for you. – I would walk to this park, and I would read and stuff, and I brought blueberries with me, and I was like, okay, I’m gonna,

And they were just always perfectly not there whenever I went. But there was one time, and I threw a blueberry to one of these crows. It ate it, flew away. And then like 20 minutes later it showed up again. I was like, “Oh, sweet. “I’m gonna start getting this.” – Yeah.

– It just never fully panned out. But this is truly one of my dreams. – I wanna try. – I’m not kidding. I would love this so much if I could have like crow friends that brought me stuff. – Why haven’t you actively kept up with this?

– Well, now there’s just not a place nearby me currently where I could, like where it could happen, you know? It’s tough. It’s tough in the city too. Like, you know, it’s a little too like in front of other people trying to do it. – You’re embarrassed. – If I lived in…

A little bit. I’d wanna do this in secret so that nobody knows that I have crow friends. – Well, then you can use it to your advantage, right? – Exactly. No, I wanna live up in the mountains, befriend all the crows there and all the woodland creatures. – Yeah. – Okay, Disney princess.

– Snow White basically. – Hey, look, a man can dream, all right? But yeah, they bring you stuff. Some people train crows to bring ’em money. – So I’m gonna do this actually. – Okay. – I think your problem was the blueberries. I hear they like peanuts more. – I tried almonds.

They didn’t like all almonds. – No? – But the blueberries worked the one time. – The one time. – They had the blueberries. – Yeah, I wanna do this. I want them to bring me like gifts, like jewelry they find on the street, maybe some coins for a parking meter.

Like, I’m with you. I want this. – I want it so bad. – I think they like shiny things if I recall. They’re like, “Oh he’d like this shiny thing. “Here you go.” – Yeah. – They understand us. – [Tommy] Yeah. – They’re so smart. – They’re super smart.

– Have you seen ’em do puzzles? – Yes. – Yeah, and they use tools. – They also are good at- – Yeah, they know how to use tools. – And they hold grudges. – They do. – Edgar Allan Poe. I don’t know. – Yeah, they talk. – I don’t think this person would be found legally liable. – I don’t think so. – I’m not a lawyer, but I do have an opinion for no reason. – Yeah. – Yeah, I don’t think so ’cause it’s like you can’t- – They’re wild animals. – Right. Exactly.

– Yeah. – [Shayne] Yeah. – One time I was walking through a park, and this was in college, and this has nothing to do with anything, but it is- – Went through a park, and I saw this guy and… – And there was a squirrel, and I was like, “Oh my god, “what if I could like make friends with this squirrel?” And so I went like (clicks teeth) or like I made some kind of sound. And then within I would say 20 seconds,

About 15 to 25 squirrels came down and they were all like… – Oh dude. – And I was like, “Oh, I’m gonna get killed by squirrels.” So you can’t do it to squirrels, but you can do it to crows. – There was a squirrel that I would see often. This was forever ago.

I also have a squirrel story. Most of these episodes I don’t have a story to share. But I’m just like, for some reason, this one I’m like, “Oh, I got a squirrel story too.” But there was a squirrel that would like show up, and it was just super friendly squirrel.

And one day I was just like, I didn’t have anything on me, and I wish I did, if I’d had like some nuts or something. But it got super close, and I just kinda like reached out my hand. I was just like possessed to like be like, “Can I?

“Will this squirrel run up my arm or something?” But I think the squirrel was like expecting me to have something and it walks up to my hand, it like grabs my hand, and then it like grabbed one of my fingers, it was just like… Put it in its mouth. And I was like, “Oh (beep)” I was like, “Am I gonna get rabies?” But it didn’t like bite down. – It was just like, “What is this?” – It literally just went like… – A soft nibble. – Yeah. It was very sweet, but… – You are Snow White.

– Right? – Yeah. – We’re in the presence of royalty. It’s crazy. – Wow. – Yeah. Some comments here. “They are resource guarding. “To stop them from attacking people, “ask guests to bring shiny objects “or food scraps to the murder of crows as an offering. “You could also supply your guests little baggies of treats “for them to offer up. “If they dive bomb someone,

“don’t give them food for 24 hours. “If they’re nice to a guest, give them a high value treat “to reinforce positive behavior. “Advice from my partner. “She was a field biologist that is published “in biology/ornithology.” 21,000 up votes. – Okay. – Okay. – Literal crow scientist. – Yeah.

– Someone said, “It would take quite a stretch “for someone to make a winning case “that you were negligent by feeding the crows “that you are feeding. “Feeding the crows and that you’re feeding the crows “was the cause of whatever injury occurred.” – Right. – “A stretch doesn’t mean impossible though.

“Make sure your homeowner’s insurance is up to date.” So funny. 5,000 up votes. – Oh my god. – Someone said, “This is my favorite thing I’ve read in my entire life. “You’d be no more legally liable for feeding a stray dog “that happened to get dangerously close “to random bypassers.”

I just think they should put a throne out on their front porch, and they should be there, and then if people walk up, it’s like, “What is your offering? “Feed my crows. “Very well, you may approach.” Like, a crow lands, and he is like, “He’s okay. “You can let him through.

“Yes, yes, very good.” That’s my dream. – It is gonna happen for you. – That’s all I want in life. – I see this. Yeah. – That’s all I want in life. All right, well that was a really fun one. Let’s move on to this next story. – Oh God. – This comes from True Off My Chest.

“I just exposed my nether region “to a bunch of moms at Chuck E. Cheese.” – No. Not Chuck E. Cheese. – Wow. – “There for my daughter’s fifth birthday party. “I am standing there with a soda in my hand “talking to a small group of other parents, all women. “And my oldest, seven years old with poor choice making “and impulse control, comes up behind me and yanks my pants

“and underwear down around my ankles. “Everyone behind me saw my bare white butt cheeks. “Every mom in front got a clear view of my dick and balls. “I recovered as best as I could, “but had to have cake and pizza “with these people before leaving. “Nothing could have prepared me for this.”

Well, that’s that story. – Oh wow. – Wow. No party’s over. We’re not doing cake. Sorry, guys. Done. – I don’t know what I would do. I’d probably have to leave. – I’d leave. – I’d leave. – [Shayne] Yeah, I’d leave. – Yeah, I’d leave. – All right, I’m gonna get outta here.

– That is by far the worst place that could happen. – I don’t know where else, yeah. – The worst. – Yeah, I don’t know where else you could have had that happen and not be that bad. – Yeah. – I wear a belt at all times.

Not that I assume this is ever going to happen, but like I don’t know. After middle school, like you just, you know, ’cause that’s the thing that was- – Pantsing. – Pantsing was popular at my middle school, – Oh, they were ruthless. – And since then it never,

Well, actually I think there were some attempts on me. But I remember ever since then, I’ve just always been someone I like secure pants. – Yeah. – So no one could ever do that to me. – That sucks. – Yeah. That’s rough.

– I don’t know how they got to the ankles so fast too. – Yeah, like, that’s what I’m saying. – How loose were these pants? Shoo. – Yeah. – I wonder if this is his seven-year-old’s first time doing this or if this is like something he does. – You wonder.

– I feel like if he did it often, you would take precaution. – You would know. You would know. – Yeah. – It seems like it could have came without warning. – Yeah, without warning. Yeah, this was a surprise. – It’s his first rodeo. – Yeah. – [Shayne] But luckily-

– It’s his first rodeo. – Luckily it sounds like everybody there understood that it’s not his fault, and it was all fine. – You live and you learn. – Yeah. Some comments here. “So, Dad, are you going to have a chat “with your seven-year-old about what we do “and don’t do to others?

“It will be a lot worse if he starts doing it in school.” That is true. – Yeah. Nip it in the bud. – Yep. – “I am sure it was mortifying, but as a former employee, “that incident wouldn’t matter or be too memorable

“as they are just happy it is nothing gross to clean up “or having to call the cops.” – Okay. – “Also, I’m sure most of the people you were with “will forget soon too. “Also, that place is crazy. “Most people were probably focused on something else.”

Lastly, someone said, “This story sounds like a great plot “to a birth control commercial.” – Yeah, I would say so. – Yeah. Moving on. All right, quick heads up. Sexually explicit story. All right. “Today I (beep) up by ruining sexy time “because I was thinking about SpongeBob.” – Oh no. – “Greetings.

“Actually, not today, but a few days ago. “My girlfriend, who’s 27, and I, 28-year-old man, “were having some quality alone time together, “which has gotten pretty rare “since we have a one-year-old kid. “We decided to use the opportunity to have some sexy time “and started out with some foreplay.

“We were making out and things got spicy. “I was hard as a rock and ready to make my ancestors proud.” – Oh my god. – This guy has a fedora on for sure. – Oh yeah. – “At this point I need to mention “that I thought it was fun to get high beforehand

“as sex feels much more intense then. “I got higher than intended, and due to that, “my tongue felt like a dry piece of beef jerky. “Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night “because you were so thirsty “and eager to get that cold fresh 3:00 AM sip of water?

“That kind of dry. “Nevertheless, I pull off my clothes “and leaned in for a final tongue kiss “before working my way down on her. “Then it happened. “When the tips of our tongues touched, “I bursted out laughing, “blowing air outta my nose into her face.

“Her tongue felt so wet that it made me envision my tongue “to feel like SpongeBob from that episode “where he visits Sandy for the first time “and he is on the brink of death desperate for water. “I immediately felt embarrassed “and sorry for ruining the mood. “I apologized for being childish and stupid.

“We tried to save the situation, but I got soft, “and she lost interest as she was disappointed. “Totally get that. “After that silence was trenched by disappointment “and embarrassment. “Thankfully, 10 minutes later I was able “to get the mood back on and make up for it. “I gave everything I had.

“I used every trick in the book “and managed to take her to the promised land “and preserved some dignity.” – Oh Jesus Christ. – Oh my god. – Okay, I gotta be honest, dude. The SpongeBob thing is like the least embarrassing thing going on here. – Oh my god. – Come on, dude.

– Holy crap. – You’re talking to a bunch of internet strangers. You are allowed to say whatever you want. Like, why are you- – It didn’t need to be that. – Did not need to be that. – Yeah, I took her to the promised land.

– Having something stupid come up in the middle of that and like laughing, that’s the joie de vivre. That’s the joy of an like an intimacy, and then it’s like, okay, 10 minutes later, yeah. Have a laugh. Be like (chuckles) Then you get back to it. – Yeah.

– No, this isn’t that bad. I feel like this is an easy recovery versus some of the other things that have come up based on Reddit. – Yeah, the SpongeBob’s a sweet thing. Like, they know each other very well. They’re gonna laugh about that. – He just had a little bit too much.

You know, we’ve all been there too. – Yeah, he’s high. Like, it’s also that aspect. No, but then he sobered up and wrote this. – Right. That was the mistake. – That was a mistake. – I’m judging him for this, man. Come on. Don’t say “I’m ready to make my ancestors proud.”

– What? – ‘Cause that also, that’s weird on several levels. – Don’t bring dead people into this. – Yeah, your ancestors are like, “No, man. “We’re not part of this.” – They’re like, “We actually…” – Actually… – Down vote. – Some comments. “Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?” – Good ole Reddit. – No. – Someone typed out the whole song. “Oh, who comes to my mind after you smoke some weed? “SpongeBob SquarePants. “A yellow and porous (beep) blocker is he. “SpongeBob SquarePants. “If sexy escapades be something you wish. “SpongeBob SquarePants.

“Then don’t blow air in her face and gasp like a fish.” OP responded and said, “Made my day.” – It’s crafty. – Yeah. That’s pretty good. – It’s crafty. – Lastly, someone said, “You mean sexy time got in the way of SpongeBob time. “The nerve of some people.” OP said, “Of course.

“How could I be so foolish?” Yeah, I think almost everything could be worse than that moment. That was not that bad. – No. Honestly, what’s worse for me now is the ancestor comment, and now that we’ve really started thinking about it, I’m envisioning like “Mulan,” like where they’re all floating around the room,

And I think that’s what I’m gonna envision the next time, because like it’s like, “Oh, hi, Grandma Ellen.” Like, why did he have to do that to us? To me. To me. – That’s awful. Yeah, this guy ruined my life. – This is bad. – This episode of “Reddit Stories” is brought to you by Factor Foods. Look, if you want to eat healthy and also save time and have a much more convenient schedule, Factor Foods is right for you. These dietician approved, chef crafted meals are delicious, and they’re ready in just two minutes.

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“Today I (beep) up by not realizing our initials “made our cake topper inappropriate.” – Oh. – Okay. – “I will be getting married in October of 2023 “to my fiance of nine years. “In these nine years, “I have never really put together how our initials look. “Mine being C and his being M.

“I ordered a very pretty cake topper a few weeks ago “with our initials. “It came in, and I looked at it with excitement “and hadn’t shown anyone but my fiance. “Today, my father stopped in for a visit, “and I began to show him stuff I bought for the wedding.

“I held the cake topper, and he gave me a puzzled look “and asked, ‘What does it say?’ “I was confused as to how it wasn’t obvious. “Then it sparked me to look at it differently. “The cake topper says C heart M, “except the heart is the shape size as the letters.

“The heart is also not a traditional shape “making it look like it says (beep)” – Hell yeah. – “I showed this to my father in full confidence. “I ordered a cake topper that just says cum. “Not even my fiance caught it. “(beep) my life.” Yeah, that’s awesome. – Hey. – I think it’s awesome. – I think it’s pretty cool. – I like it. – Like, “Dude, check it out. (beep)” – Want a slice of the (beep) cake? – Dude, (beep) kake. Who wants it? – Oh my god. I’m down for it. Whatever. – Yeah, who cares? – Keep it interesting. – It’s still the letters. You know, you’re not breaking any rules. – Yeah, who cares? – [Tommy] It’s cute. – I like it. – Just a little thing. – Yeah, and honestly there’s worse possible combinations,

So, you know, that’s not so bad. – I’m on board. – Yeah. Now I’m going through like, who should I not marry so that nothing can go wrong there? – Just someone else with the or wait. – Yeah, I don’t think there’s a three letter word that starts with T. That’s really bad.

Don’t put it in the comments. – I did break up with someone over their last name once. Yeah. Well, it’s the last name, I’m sorry anyone who has it, but it was Hyman. – Oh, see. – Super nice guy, but like every time it was like, you start to think, Morgan Hyman. I couldn’t do it. – Can’t be me. – It can’t be me. – Wow.

– I can’t have that. Yeah. – He’s engaged now, so- – Oh, good for him. – [Tommy] That’s great. – Yeah, he found love. So yeah. – That’s awesome. – Hopefully they go with her last name. I’m sorry. – It’s like if I went by Tommy Prostate. – Yeah. – Hey! It’s Tommy Prostate! Okay. – Yeah. He’s at a coffee shop, and he’s just like, “Hey, I’m Jeff Hyman.” She’s like, “I’m Jenny Testicles.” They’re like… – Yeah. – Some comments here. “Carefully cut the C and the M and swap them. “It’s an easy maneuver commonly known as the (beep) swap.” – Nice. – “I once wrote (beep) instead of cupcake once.” – Cool. – That’s awesome, dude. I wish it had one up vote. It has 906. I wish it had one. You got it, man. “One of Sweden’s biggest property owners “for hospitals decided “to skip sending out Christmas cards one year, “and instead took out an ad in the paper. “The company is called Locum, and this is the result.” It’s Locum, but with a heart as the O. It looks like I heart (beep)

That’s awesome. All right. – I like it. – Well, that’s it. That’s that story. – Nice. – Good time. I hope they kept it. – Big fan. – All right, here’s our next story. “Am I the asshole for eating my pregnant wife’s leftovers?” – Yes. Yeah. – Wow.

– She’s pregnant. – She’s pregnant. – I also think eating anyone’s leftovers is- – Oh, it’s… – [Shayne] Douchey move. – I’m fighting if you eat my leftovers. – “My wife and I have been together for five years now, “and during this time we have come to an agreement

“that any leftovers we take home from a restaurant belong “to that person for the next 36 hours. “After that, it’s fair game.” Oh, so they have an agreement. – Okay. – They have some rules. – After 36 hours, fair game. “My wife just hit nine weeks into her pregnancy.

“She’s in the high risk category “and has been pretty much put to bed rest by the doctors. “Since she’s in her first trimester, “she’s nauseous all the time “and has been constantly puking her guts out daily. “About a week ago she was actually feeling really good,

“was moving around, so we decided to go out “and eat at our local steakhouse. “We got there, ordered our food, “and the second she got the food, “I guess the smell of it just didn’t agree with her stomach “because she put it to the side. “We agreed to take it to go

“since we didn’t want to just waste an entire meal. “The next couple of days she’s back in bed, “barely eating since nothing was agreeing with her stomach “until last night. “She was back in a good mood “and got excited about eating her steak, “mashed potatoes, and veggies.

“I told her I ate it since it’s been more than 36 hours, “and I was really wanting some more steak. “She just broke down crying, telling me how she’s pregnant, “she can’t control how her body reacts to different foods, “how I’m selfish and don’t really care about her wellbeing.

“I offered to go back to the restaurant “and get her a new steak, but she just got more upset “and said that’s not the point. “Grabbed a spoon, some applesauce, “and went back into bed to eat it and watch some TV.” – Oh man. – Yeah. – Oh. Dang. – Yeah.

I’ll walk it back a little. Not the asshole. They have ground rules. It is after the 36 hours. But could he have been a little more considerate and asked? Yeah. – Yeah, she is bedridden right now. It’s like all right, the rules apply in general, but special circumstances call for adjustments. – Exactly.

– I think even if you have that rule, it’s like after the 36 hours it’s still like, “All right, it’s been 36 hours-” – Can I have it? – [Shayne] I’m gonna eat this. – Yeah, a courtesy. – It’s like that’s, you know. – Well, especially pregnant now.

Like, that added context of like, she’s throwing up all the time, nauseous, bedridden, emotional, hormones are going crazy. And it’s just like that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. – Right. – And all you had to do is ask. – Yeah. – Oh, that’s tough.

– ‘Cause it’s not like she was outta the house. – No. – It’s like she’s right there. You could literally just be like, “Hey! Steak?” That’s all you had to do. – Oh, poor thing. – The verdict was no assholes here. – Okay. – Some comments.

“Man, just apologize and go get her the steak “and some flowers. “Pregnancies can be hard, “and it really can make women very emotional. “As men, we can’t possibly understand “what that is like to go through. “You’re going to have to cut her some slack here.

“Furthermore, it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong here, “that isn’t what a marriage is or should be about. “You’re one unit. “Keeping score is not going to lead to anything good. “No one’s the asshole. “Go take care of your pregnant wife, “get her some flowers, buy her that steak, rub her feet,

“say how sorry you are.” 16,000 up votes. – Yeah, that’s the answer. – Well done. Well done. – I love that. – [Morgan] Well done. – “Going with you’re the asshole. “Belongs to that person for the next 36 hours. “After that, it’s free game. “I like that rule. “Reasonable, fair,

“keeps shit from sitting in the fridge for weeks. “My pregnant wife. “Game suspended due to pregnancy. “Sorry, dude, that rule is not enforceable “for the next seven months.” – Yeah. – 6,000 up votes. “Soft you’re the asshole. “The game changes when there are health concerns “and pregnancy.

“It would’ve taken you all of two minutes to ask.” Yeah. – Yeah. – Exactly. – [Shayne] It was easy. – And like nine weeks high risk. She’s bedridden at nine weeks. Like, I feel like it must be really intense. – Yeah. – And so you almost should be going above and beyond

To make sure she’s catered to. – Right. – Like, that psychologically and like emotionally for her, she’s going through this huge change and she’s bedridden and super sick. Like, you gotta be a good partner and like go the extra length to ensure she’s good and taken care of.

– And he could have fully just gotten any other food. Like, he could order food, he could go get something. It’s just like- – [Morgan] Yeah. – He could have ordered himself another steak if he wanted more steak. – Exactly. Exactly. – Yeah. – But just this feels just like a doofus guy

Kind of slip up moment where it’s just like, “Oh no, I’m sorry. “I love you.” – There’s also an insane track record of like any am I the asshole written from a guy and it has to do with his wife and food- – Mm-hmm. – It’s like-

– It’s always like, dude, you’re probably in the wrong here. – Yeah. – Yeah. – Like, it’s fascinating. Moving on. – Yeah. – Here we go. “Am I the asshole for not just dropping it “and putting a blanket veto on all TV show names “for our son?” Okay.

“Me and my wife are having our first kid soon “and know it is going to be a boy. “It’s been hard to come to an agreement on names. “She’s very firm on picking a name that we both agree on, “but we pretty much have opposite tastes.

“I have a very, very basic and common first name, “which I like, “so I gravitate towards simple and classic names “like James, William, and Daniel. “She likes not that. “She suggested the name Dean the other day, “and I was considering it until I found out she picked it

“because it was the name of her teen TV crush. “She dug in her heels “and insisted that she just liked the name “and wasn’t gonna name her kid after the character “and watching an old episode of the show “just reminded her of the name. “I’m like, that is exactly what naming your kid

“after a TV character means. “So I said, ‘How about this? “‘I’m gonna give you a preemptive blanket veto “‘on TV show names. “‘I don’t want to hear suggestions for a little Zuko “‘or Sherlock or anything like that. “‘And literally any other name is on the table. “‘Is that fair?’

“And she said, ‘No, that is not fair,’ “and I’m being a dick and putting words in her mouth. “My position is that if you’re gonna try to pick a TV name “for your own kid, at least own up to it “and admit it’s a TV name.

“I’m more annoyed at the transparent denial at this point “than the fact that she suggested it in the first place.” Well, I got bad news for him, James, William, and Daniel are all in TV shows. – Yep, I was just about to say every name has been in a TV show probably.

– [Shayne] Yeah. – [Morgan] Come on. – Fresh Prince. There’s William. – And they couldn’t use it again after that. – Can’t use it again. Never. Never. Yeah. Strange. I mean, her reasoning is fine. – Yeah. – It’s like, oh yeah, that was a name on a TV show. It sounded cool. – Yeah. – Dean’s also in that category of normal names for me.

– It is. – [Shayne] Dean is a normal name. – It’s short. – Yeah. – [Morgan] Yeah. – He is clearly jealous about the crush thing. – [Morgan] Little insecure. – A little insecure. ‘Cause he is like, “Oh, you liked him when you were young? “What about me?” – Fine. We can name him a TV name. Meet our son Colombo. – Oh God. Yeah. I mean, it’s better than like an ex-girlfriend. We’ve had those stories. – We’ve had those stories too. – Where it’s like an ex-girlfriend or an ex-fiance that’s passed, and like there’s stories like that. So it’s like a fictional character from a show, it’s better. – It’s totally fine.

– There’s only so many names out there. – And so many people name their kids after just like this name sounds good. A lot of names don’t have meaning. – No. – Like, I don’t think my name had meaning. I think it was just like Shayne. All right. – Like it. Cool.

– Sounds good. – She could have positioned it like, “I want to name ’em after this like school dean “that I love.” I don’t know. – Just lied. – Just lied. – Just lied. Little white lie. – Some comments here. “James and his giant peach, “William, Willy Wonka, “and Daniel, Danny Turner, would all tell you “how stupid this idea is, “and those are just the first few I thought of

“off the top of my head. “You’re the asshole. “Can you name a single name that hasn’t been used “in TV or movies?” Someone else said, “Info, did she get the name Dean from ‘Gilmore Girls’? “Because if so, I wouldn’t name my child after him either.” OP said, “You’re weirdly close.

“It’s Dean from ‘Supernatural.'” – That’s what I was thinking ’cause he is hot. Yeah, I knew. I knew immediately, but, you know. – I like that it has 69 up votes. Our producer made sure to put in noice. – Noice. Noice, noice. – So this original comment was deleted, but OP said, “You know, weirdly, this comment actually helped me

“because my knee jerk reaction was (beep) this guy, “he can’t tell me what my own thoughts and actions would be. “But then I realized “that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing, “and my wife has probably been been thinking, “(beep) this guy, he can’t tell me what name

“was more than just a name in my own head about me. “And I am mad at her for digging in her heels, “but then what have I been doing for the last half hour? “And with a bunch of internet randos, no offense. “So actually, yeah, I’ll apologize

“for being an ass when she gets home. “Dean is still not going to be the name. “I know. “I was already not 100% on it “before this whole bout of nonsense. “And now it feels tainted by the drama on top of that. “But maybe my olive branch can be me being more compromising

“on the names she likes. “She has a lot of Irish names on her list “that sound like common names, “but have weird for here spellings. “If we can find one that sounds common enough “and is at least spelled like it sounds “so that everyone he meets doesn’t say it wrong, “that might work.”

311 up votes. – Okay, some self-awareness there. I like it. I like it. – Yeah, he kind of came back around. You know, I was gonna say in the original story, he’s the asshole for this story, but he’s another one who fits into the category of an asshole for how he wrote it.

– Yeah. It’s not that serious. And like they’re already in agreement that like it’s gotta be a mutual decision, so at least they have that going for them. But like to just be like, “Ah, all TVs.” It’s like, yeah, you gotta take it case by case, dude. That’s weird. – That’s so extreme.

Also, Sherlock is like, he knows it’s from a book first, right? – Shh. Don’t let him know. – Don’t tell him. – I like that Reddit gave him some life lessons. It’s like, hey, call your therapist. Cancel. Just go on Reddit. – Just go on Reddit. – You’ll learn everything about your life

On there apparently. – Final story here. This comes from Relationship Advice. The title is “My girlfriend smells.” – Oh. – It’s a 24-year-old woman writing about a 24-year-old woman. “My girlfriend and I made it official “and started telling family and friends we’re dating. “The first time we cuddled, she smelled like dog poop.

“I didn’t wanna put my nose near her “and that’s the only thing I could think about “being close to her. “I pushed it aside. “We made plans on the fly that night, “and I didn’t think too much of it. “She probably didn’t get the chance to shower

“before coming over and forgot to brush her teeth. “I regretfully overlooked it completely. “Today, we watched a movie and cuddled. “The smell wasn’t as intense but still bad. “It didn’t smell like dog poop this time, “but as if she wore a dirty beanie for three days straight “and didn’t wash her hair after.

“I was so disappointed “because I was planning to kiss her tonight and make a move, “but couldn’t pull myself to because of the unclean smell. “What do I say to her? “I really like her, and I couldn’t break up with her “because we just made it official. “She’s kind, caring, understanding, funny,

“and a joy to be around. “I don’t wanna hurt her feelings, “and I definitely don’t wanna break up with her. “I see a future together, but I need something to change. “Any words of advice?” Got a big edit here. Bigger than the original post. “A lot of people seem confused,

“so I’ll clear it up a little bit. “We’ve hung out a lot the last few weeks, “three times a week, and I drive in my car everywhere we go. “We’ve hugged a lot, “and I never smelled her in any of those moments “until we were up close and personal.

“The only times I ever smelled it “were those two times I put my head on hers. “A lot of you mentioned it could be her diet, her hair, “her shower habits, “her mental health getting the better of her “and being unhygienic, her pets, “her shower/shampoo/body wash products, or new piercings.

“She has diagnosed gastroenteritis “and something else with her gut, “so she has severe digestive issues that cause chronic pain “and can’t eat certain foods “and has a hard time eating in general. “This also leads to mental illnesses, “but I don’t think it’s a lack of shower. “I think it could be her hair

“and maybe not washing it as often, “which makes sense because she has very, very short hair. “She has two older dogs, “but when I’ve been at her house a few times “and nothing suspicious came up. “She’s not a dirty person, and she takes care of herself.

“She has ear piercings that are healing, so maybe that too. “So there’s probably a lot of contributing factors. “Eating habits, living with pets, digestion issues, “and maybe she’s not washing her hair a lot “or new healing ear piercings. “It’s a sensitive topic, and I’m taking her out later today “and mentioning something.

“I’m going to say I’m allergic to her hair shampoo “and ask her to please change it. “She’s very kind and understanding, “so yes, the conversation will be embarrassing “and uncomfortable, but I will support her the best I can “and be understanding and accommodating “as much as she has with me,

“then I guess we’ll see what goes on from there. “Thank you for the positive comments. “I know this isn’t uncommon in partners “and after reading your advice, I know how to address it. “Much appreciated.” So wait, is saying she’s allergic to her shampoo, that’s a lie? – Yeah. – Yeah.

– She’s gonna try to like do it case by case? – Oh my gosh. – You’re building up a million lies then if it’s not the hair. – I know. – Yeah, no, that’s not gonna work. She needs to… I mean- – It’s hard ’cause if you’re gonna be like,

It’s like, “Hey babe, you’re a little stinky “kinda all the time.” Then it’s like if I receive that information, then it would be very hard not to think about all the time I’m with my partner am I stinky. – Yeah. – Yeah, but at the same time, if your partner says,

“Hey, you’re stinky right now,” then you know that they would tell you when you’re stinky. – Right. – [Shayne] So you don’t have to think about that. – Right. – I’m just confused. Like, is it the hair or is it actually like breath and like gastro like reflux type things,

’cause like if she’s got extreme like GERD problems or gastroenteritis, it’s like that sphincter could not be working correctly, and like the bile, you could be smelling stomach bile is what you’re smelling. So it’s confusing for me how it’s like, it’s hair, but like is it breath or piercings?

‘Cause then I start thinking tonsil stones. Have you heard about those? I learned about them about a year ago, and I’ve been traumatized ever since. – I haven’t heard about tonsil stones. Do I want to hear about tonsil stones? – I have a mining tool.

I got a like a little, it’s like a pick on, ’cause I was so scared about them, so I check, and I got one out once and they stink. Like, they are horrendous smelling. – Damn. So would I know if I have one? – Yeah, just look at your tonsils later.

You can use your phone flashlight and kinda and… – But it’ll be noticeable? – You should notice. Yeah. – Okay. – There’s worse things, and there’s an easy way to just be like, “Hey, like, you know, I know you have stomach problems, “your breath is kind of bad.

“Like, it might be something to talk to your doctor about.” – Yeah. It’s so scary. I luckily I don’t have a great sense of smell, so I’ve luckily never had this situation where I’ve had to tell anyone ’cause I’ve never really noticed it or been bothered. I’m also just unbothered by it.

– Yeah. – At the gym, sometimes I notice, like someone it’ll be like, damn, that’s intense. But I just don’t care that much. – No. – But if it’s your partner and your cuddling, you’re trying to relax, I get that. But I would be mortified to have to tell someone.

I’d feel so bad. – It’s rough ’cause it’s new. If it was like- – That’s what’s hard. – If it was like four years in, you could be like, “Hey babe, getting a little stinky. “Let’s figure it out.” – Yeah. – ‘Cause then it’s like, we’re together, you know, we’re in this together.

But this is like brand new, so it’s like this is the foundation of this relationship. – Yeah. – It’s hard. It’s hard. I don’t know if there’s like a clear answer besides like just talk about it. The answer to everything’s kinda like talk about it. – Yeah.

But you do wonder, like is the lying the better answer now versus, you know, honesty best policy because can you move forward together even after this? – Exactly. – Like, is she gonna be too embarrassed? – Right. – And I don’t know. I’m tussling with this one. – This one’s hard. Some comments.

A comment. “I’m a bit confused. “Did you know about the odor issue “before making her your girlfriend?” “Not at all. “We hung out more than a handful of times “and didn’t smell anything. “I didn’t notice it in my car or for a quick hug. “I felt uncomfortable with the smell

“when she was half laying on me “and I put my chin on her hair. “Edit, I wanted to add, “she was in my car every time I saw her “and a lot of brief hugs before and after hanging out. “So I was close to her often,

“but I didn’t smell it until I was really up close.” Interesting. Got an update. – Okay. – Oh, I’m scared. – “I have to break up with her.” – No. – What? Is she eating dog poop? – “Today was the worst she ever smelled.

“I never smelled it until my nose was in her hair “until today. “I couldn’t be in the car with her, “and the movie we went to sucked “because it was all I could smell and think about. “I didn’t even take time to say goodbye.

“Just got out of the car, gave her a respectful hug, “and left immediately. “She looked depressed “and disappointed pulling out of the driveway. “I can’t look at her the same. “Y’all, this is so bad and I feel so bad for her. “I have secondhand embarrassment for her.

“I wish things could have worked out. “I really liked her. “Gonna break up with her tonight. “I know it’s an asshole move, “but I don’t think I can tell her the real reason. “I’m just gonna blame it on the stress I’m going through “because life is shit right now

“even without my girlfriend in the picture. “Ugh, I wish I didn’t put myself in this situation. “It’s funny in hindsight, but geez, I’m over it. “Gonna laugh and cry on the down low “with my friends over the next few days.” Dude, come on. – If you’re breaking up with her,

Tell her that she’s stinky! – This is not the update I wanted. – Yeah. – I just think like, they were saying like they really cared about this person. Like, you should tell them. But there’s another update. – Oh. – Oh. Okay. – “So to sum up my last post,

“I said my ex-girlfriend stunk of poop, “and I looked past it the first couple of times, “but I broke up with her after the third. “I didn’t notice her smell the many times we hung out, “sat in my car, or the hugs we had.

“I smelled poop from her when my head was on hers “and my nose was close to her hair. “I was really immature and broke up with her an hour “after I dropped her off from our movie date, “probably 10 minutes after I posted my last update.” So she did break up with her.

– Okay. – “I felt and still feel so guilty not telling her. “I saw my therapist yesterday, “and after sobbing to her about my ex-girlfriend “and my life status right now, 25 days from being homeless “and the other (beep) up things we talk about weekly,

“she helped me realize I need to open up a conversation “with my ex. “I wrote out a few letters “and put one in her mailbox last night. “I explained in detail what she smelled like, “where I smelled it, and what times I smelled her, “so she knows how she smells now.

“I also told her I missed her “and that I didn’t think my actions through, “I told her why I broke things off “and my thought process through it. “I don’t wanna attribute mental health to this. “Having PTSD or any disorder is not an excuse

“to be an asshole, but the expectations of sex, kissing, “or even holding hands puts my body into survival mode. “I’m not going to write out everything “what’s wrong with me here, “but I broke up with her because of the smell. “It was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

“I wrote her a letter and put it in her mailbox last night. “First thing this morning she messaged me “and said we needed to talk. “We talked it out, “and she said she’s going to find a way “to get rid of the smell. “She forgave me,

“and we’re going to be friends in the meantime “while I work through my PTSD.” All right, well- – Yeah, this is great. – Way to go, therapist. – Yeah. Yeah. – And that’s brave. Like, she did it. – That’s huge. – She did it. – Yeah. – She did it.

– She got through it. It sounds like she’s going through a lot. – Clearly. Yeah. – Cool of them to not play, like, I don’t wanna attribute this to my mental health, but, you know, like, but she handled it. She did the right thing. And I know like in stressful situations,

You don’t want make those tough decisions of like, “Oh, I can’t communicate this right now. “I’m going through a lot.” But she did it. That’s great. Hopefully they get this worked out. I mean, so her partner had no idea. – It sounds like yeah, no idea.

– Also way to go to the person who got broken up with to receive the information and to be like, “Thank you for telling me. “We can be friends.” Like, what a- – Yeah. – Nice. Good. – Right. And I mean look, these types of situations are so scary,

But they can be the way that a relationship kinda levels up ’cause that’s such extreme communication. It’s so vulnerable, and it’s like, “Okay, sweet. “So I smelled like shit, and you still wanna be with me.” – Right. – You know, like there’s something kind of sweet about that. – Yeah.

Yeah, look on the bright side. I think this is great. Like, as someone that I struggle personally with confrontation, so I get how like that conversation initially it would’ve been hard. It would’ve been awkward. And so I think the letter idea is great. Like, the fact you did the letter that took guts.

You didn’t know the outcome from that. So that is great. And like I think this is like the perfect resolution. Like, she knows now. Like, who knows her apartment water could be contaminated with sewage. We don’t know what’s going on. – Yeah, man. – So now we can actually work to address it

And you don’t lose someone you care about. – Right. I’m not a confrontational person. I’m really bad at it. I have to say, I think if I was in this person’s shoes, I could see myself being similar, you know? Like, I have to be honest there.

But I think it is great to let someone know if it’s something like this, even if you’re gonna go through with the breakup. – Right. – Just letting ’em know so they can be aware and change it or address it. – I think hygiene especially

’cause like not only is this bleeding into her relationship, but this could affect her professionally, which then could affect her personally. And like there’s so many domino effects that this one little issue could cause. So I think it’s definitely fair. – Yeah. – [Tommy] Yeah. – Happy ending. – Yeah.

– Yeah. That’s all of ’em. Morgan, thank you for being here. – Thank you for having me. This was a really fun assortment. I loved it. – Good one. A good mix of things. – [Morgan] Yeah. – Tommy, as always thank you. – Hey, thanks. – [Shayne] Yeah. – Thanks for joining us. – Oh, thank you so much for having me. It was a blast. – Great. Well, people can find you @TwoHotTakes, right? – @TwoHotTakes on everything. Our episode should be out by now, so check that out. That was a lot of fun.

You had some really solid takes on those, and I feel like I traumatized you a little too. – No, no. – [Morgan] Okay. – I saw him crying earlier. Is that why? – I know, he, yeah. – Morgan’s here and I’m like (screams) – Yeah, yeah. – No, there were some crazy stories.

– They were unhinged. – These ones are a little more goofy. We had some- – This was nice. – Yeah, this was a nice little reprieve from that. – So watch that one then watch this one to kind of like- – Yes. – [Morgan] Yes honestly. – [Tommy] Let it loose.

– Well, you’ve already watched this. – Yeah, so maybe take a breather. – Oh, that’s true. Wait, forget everything. Go back. – Give it some time. Give it some time before you jump in on that. – But check out “Two Hot Takes.” It’s a great show. And yeah, you’re always welcome here. – Thank you. Come back anytime. – Great. Cool. And, Tommy, you’re also welcome here. – Really? Oh my god. Really? – Thank you guys for watching. We’ll see you next week. Let us know what other themes, categories, subreddits you want us to cover. We’ll see you later. Goodbye! – Bye!