An intergenerational friendship blooms in a North Side garden

In a time when rage-weighted algorithms pit us against each other for profit, forming friendships with people we differ from is no easy task. Is it even worth attempting?

Carla Arnold and Tricia Patsilevas say they’re not all that different, despite a nearly 30-year age gap and different racial backgrounds – but they may not have discovered that without laboring side by side for months on a shared neighborhood project. And there are others in their Perry Hilltop garden club to whom they almost certainly wouldn’t have warmed without common pursuit of mulch, pollinators and beautifying flowers.

In a post-season conversation down the street from their Unity Corner lot, Carla, 67, and Tricia, 38, sat down to share some lessons learned from an intergenerational friendship that’s taken them to Las Vegas — and taught them a thing or two besides sowing and pruning.

‘Age is not just a number – but it can be’

Carla: Having a younger friend helps you keep in touch. As someone who’s older, sometimes you lose touch of what’s happening around you and how people feel. It’s also good, when – as we do – you have a multicultural friendship, because you have differing opinions. It should be that you can always talk to anybody, but that’s not something you can count on today. People say they’re objective, but they’re not.

Tricia: I never even considered this an intergenerational friendship. I am a physical therapist by trade, and I speak a lot about anti-ageism and having conversations with people who are completely different from you, and I guess I have always tried to practice what I preach, so building this friendship was very natural.

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Two women sit on a stone bench in a garden with yellow flowers, engaging in conversation and smiling at each other. Carla Arnold and Tricia Patsilevas perch in the shade on a summer’s day at their community garden. (Photo by Nate Smallwood/Age-Friendly Greater Pittsburgh)

I think we both care a lot about community building – and that’s where our friendship really comes from more than anything, as well as some common interests.

Maybe I would have felt differently if I was in my 20s, but I don’t think so. Ms. Carla is just a cool person, you know? She’s very easy to talk to and just hang out with. Age is not always just a number, but depending on where you are in life, it can be.

Carla: Having younger friends challenges your way of thinking. Sometimes there is more than one way something can go. It’s not always just this straight line. Sometimes you could veer off and come back on, you know, because sometimes those side roads are things that you learn from, instead of just going along the road you think that you should be on.

Cioppino dinners, then a trip to Vegas

Another difference between the friends? Carla is a lifelong resident of hill-bound Perry South, while Tricia was a relative newcomer to the North Side neighborhood when she began gardening there around five years ago. That gap, too, became a strength, as Carla helped Tricia make a deeper connection to the community.

It all started over seafood stew at Carla’s.

Tricia: I don’t like the cold. And I know I’m in Pittsburgh, so it is inevitable, but I would prefer to just be a hermit all winter long. I do love food, though, so I will get out for food. In the winter months, when we weren’t seeing each other at the garden, we started to do dinners at least once a month. So we would pick places to eat at, or Ms. Carla would cook for us.

Carla: Yeah, I do cioppino – it’s just fisherman’s stew. Basically, they used to take the scraps and throw them in a pot and make rice or noodles and pour the seafood from the pot over them.

Two women wearing masks sit at a bar holding drinks, with empty glasses and a smartphone on the counter, under ornate lighting in a casino setting. Tricia Patsilevas, left, and Carla Arnold, during their 2021 trip to Las Vegas. (Courtesy of Tricia Patsilevas)

At some point during one of those dinners, Tricia’s husband asked me “what’s on your bucket list?” And I said, “Las Vegas.” He said, “oh, gambling.” I said “no, I want to go to the Bellagio Hotel and see the fountain that was in ‘Ocean’s 11.’” You know, the fountain at the end of the movie when they’re all standing there and they all break off and go.

So, they went on their second honeymoon in Henderson, while I stayed in Old Las Vegas.

Tricia: We all had a great time – especially the zip wire. We might have first thought you could sit on chairs, so Carla said OK to it, but then when we got onto the platform we learned you had to superman it, with your arms and legs out.

Carla: I tried to tell her that Black people don’t do stuff like that. Then, right behind me there were like 10 Black people. I was like, “Y’all just messed up everything.” It was a great time, though.

Loving others, hating deer?

Age isn’t the only difference friendships can bridge. Through their community garden, Carla and Tricia have grown close to people they might have dismissed if shared purpose hadn’t pushed them to look past first impressions.

Tricia: So our whole thing at the garden club is like, people can come down at any time that they want to, you know, it’s not just for us, it’s for anybody. It’s just meant to be beautiful — we don’t try to take ownership of it. We just try to have a space — at the corner of Federal Street Extension and Perrysville Avenue — where people can go and hang out while they’re waiting for the bus, or if you want to take a break halfway up that huge fricking hill. Sometimes people stop there if they’re walking. You’d be surprised at how many people ride through and say thank you.

Two people in casual clothing work on weeding and cleaning up a garden area next to a brick sign that reads “Perry Hilltop.”. Tricia Patsilevas, left, and Carla Arnold work in the community garden in their Perry South neighborhood. (Photo by Stephanie Strasburg/Pittsburgh’s Public Source)

Carla: We have a core little group of volunteers we call the ‘garden club’. And we have a variety of people: Tricia is the youngest, then we have Ms. Kim who is older than me, and we have Mr. Bill, who is, I believe, older than Kim, and he is like the complete opposite of me because he is a staunch Trump supporter. Then there’s Robin, she’s in her seventies too – and she’s a union lawyer. So we have a diverse group in terms of age, job titles and politics.

Mr. Bill is our favorite, though. We just get along. I think this administration is a mess, but you let the politics go, because “you know how I feel, I know how you feel.”

Tricia: Yeah, at garden club we don’t talk about politics, though I want to make it clear my views are in line with Ms. Carla’s.

It’s fun to talk about mulch, pollinating butterflies or our common hatred of deer — at least when they’re eating our garden.

Carla Arnold is a community engagement specialist at Fineview and Perry Hilltop Citizens Council and works for Guest Services at Acrisure Stadium. She can be reached at carla@ourfuturehilltop.org or carnld@cs.com.

Tricia Patsilevas is a physical therapist and Clinical Director at NovaCare Rehabilitation, as well as an adjunct professor at Carlow University and Chatham University. She can be reached on Instagram at @tpatsilevas or by email at tpatsilevas@gmail.com.

Jamie Wiggan is deputy editor at Pittsburgh’s Public Source and can be reached at jamie@publicsource.org.