Long story short, my MIL cannot just visit. She takes it upon herself to do chores at other people's houses because she can't sit still and has no boundaries (despite best efforts to set them).
The soil we have isn't the best and I've been working on improving it over the years. I planned on leaving some of the leaves in my garden beds to incorporate into the soil this year and then put in fresh mulch. I told her my plan for the garden on Thursday during their visit, because she commented on how the beds were "a mess", and on Friday when I came home from work she had taken it upon herself to RAKE my beds. I never rake. I know exactly where my perennials are and use a blower or hand pull from the bases.
She completely raked over and destroyed a patch of succulents that have been growing on their own since we moved in 5 years ago. The patch went from 2 little succulents to this lovely sq ft (give or take) of dense, happy little plants. We live in NJ, and year by year I'm always so impressed with these succulents resilience – especially after the severe winter we had this year.
Look what she did to them!!!! The last picture shows the only little succulent that made it out unscathed. This is how they all should look. I'm heartbroken and furious. Do you guys think they'll recuperate ok?
My dad is also a big gardener, and he was so flabbergasted when I told him about what she did. It's absolutely insane to me that someone would just go after someone else's garden when it's not their home and they are guests. My husband told her not to do any projects (when we first moved in they got head to toe poison ivy because she was pulling vines off a tree and dismissed me when I told her it was poison ivy), and told her I'm particular about my garden, and she just did it anyway while he had to do some computer work. I was really mad at my husband at first, too, because he knows he needs to watch this woman like a hawk when they visit – but he had to log on and said he told her to go for a walk or something if she didn't want to hang out in the house.
My in laws live very far north in New England, and they cleaned out their beds in the beginning of March, which is asinine to me since it stays freezing so long up there. So, they have NO idea what they're doing, and got their grubby mits into my garden and I'm just mad and, yet again, feeling violated by their disregard for boundaries.
by BedLow5980
34 Comments
omg that’s insane! i’m sorry this happened to you. I’d be livid!
Ug. Guess you need to cultivate a patch of poison ivy and throw ugly leaves on it next time she visits.
They will come back! Give it a year and it’ll fill back up. These things are hardy and survivors. If there are any broken bits left from what she did, I’d stick them back in the ground and a lot should re-root and come back to life.
Oh. No. Personally I would mulch HER. Everyone knows my garden is off limits unless I point something out for my hubby or friend to dig out. I’m sooo sorry.
Can you ask her to pitch in for an additional succulent and some of the soil amendments that you are now going to pay for? This is technically vandalism and most people would have to pay damages.
All those loose pieces, you can just stick back in the ground without a care in the world and they will grow roots. Or you can put them in other places of your yard Succulents are so easy you multiplied your plants.
Time to start enforcing those boundaries. Stop letting her stay at your place and tell her why.
She didn’t even get all the leaves lol that might be the worst raking job I’ve ever seen.
When is the funeral?
And by the way, the beds are still full of debris so great job.
She had to see those plants being raked up. What the hell?
Every single time she crosses a boundary, it needs to be addressed. Politely and respectfully, but always addressed. “I had asked you not to do any projects and explained that I’m particular about my garden. I know you believe you were doing me an act of kindness, so I want to be more clear so there are no future misunderstandings. Please do not touch my garden. Don’t pull a weed. Don’t rake. It’s extra work for you and not appreciated on this end as I’d like to be the one to tend to it myself.”
Is she demented?
Absolutely insane to me that people out there think they can just go messing around in someone else’s garden without having been asked for help.
You need to sit that person down and explain boundaries like they’re a child.
Instead of telling her that you’re particular about your garden, perhaps your husband could very firmly speak to his mother about her wanton destruction of something important to you
Four years ago, my MIL ripped out a dozen healthy, beautiful milkweed plants that I was growing for monarch butterflies.
She and my FIL went to our house when both my husband and I were at work. My FIL cut my forsythia bush-that was as tall as our house-down to the dirt.
I’m still absolutely livid about it.
I’m very angry for you!!
She needs to get a hobby or a job or both.
I have the cutest little collection of hens and chicks. I would never rake them. When they need to get cleaned up, I use my hands, occasionally with the help of a twizer.
The good news is that they’re very hardy, they will heal and survive and spread in time. You can support their propogation by replanting broken pieces-google it.
The bad news is that your mother in law is a card who needs to be dealt with.
Girl; she doesn’t like you, stop telling/talking/sharing anything with her. She went for the jugular here.
r/raisedbynarcissists
Is your husband dealing with her regarding her actions in the garden after express instructions not to touch your property? It’s his responsibility to deal with her.
A phrase I have found to be helpful to repeat to myself with some of my family members is boundaries without consequences are just suggestions.
Im so sorry. That one succulent looks beautiful though.
/r/justnomil may be for you. Start enforcing repercussions when boundaries are crossed!
I’m in Maine and only just now, in the past week have I begun to clean up the yard for the season. Why should I bother with it if my elderberries aren’t even coming out of dormancy? They’re my sign the season has begun.
I’m sorry she did this, on the upside, in my experience succulents wanna *LIVE* and these *should* come back as long as they have some roots and greenery.
I’m in the “boundary setting” phase with my MIL right now too… we moved into a new house a bit over a year ago. Unfortunately its in the same neighborhood as the MIL. They have modified their usual route slightly so that they just happen to “drive by” our house now.
She has already mentioned several times how she has already done everything at her house, and has nothing left to do and misses it, and her friend wont let her help run her veggie garden anymore (i think i know why). She tried inviting herself to “help” with the food forest style permaculture garden that I am building right now, and I have politely declined. I straight up said its my project, and i want to retain creative control and do things differently.
She still comes by and will wander around and look and talk and visit but she will absentmindedly start weeding, or picking up “trash” (mulch). I have had to tell her to quit it 3-4 times already.
Once she started picking the oxalis that I have growing between some rocks… i know its a weed, but its MY weed Lol. We live in the desert, I will take any greenery I can get
Address this. Make your spouse address this.
Had a friend who went into an interracial marriage. Her MIL called her dirty to her face, unworthy of her son, and strongly suggested that the son gives all his salary to her for keeps, since he’s decided to marry against her wishes.
Friend got her sister in law and husband onboard, and all three dragged the old lady to therapy for an intervention. It actually worked… likely after she realized nobody in their two families agreed with her.
First time my MIL came to visit, she tried to weigh herself by standing on the robotic vacuum. To be fair, the older ice cream sandwich Neeto we had then did kinda look like a scale…
She then broke the blinds in her room trying to change them and hung a blanket over the window. I hated the blinds and thanked her for giving me an excuse to replace them. She asked what else i wanted to change she could break for me…lol
I did put my foot down with my husband when she went out and bought a bottle of pledge and started polishing my formica desk.
After that she settled down and the last 18 years have been less eventful.
Hope this gave you a laugh!
Maybe they don’t need to stay with you when they visit. A hotel would be better for everyone.
I don’t understand why you still let her stay with you? When my or huaband’s bio family act out they lose staying in our house privaleges. The sooner you learn how to handle family shit like an adult and hold their feet to the fire when they fuck up instead of thinning next time you tell them no they’ll listen, the easier your life will be.
Lecture aside, I’m so sorry, your poor plant babies 😭😭
Not really a gardening answer but I can relate to this so hard.
My mom is the same way, it’s super frustrating. I actually make a list “mom make-work projects” to keep her busy when she visits. As an aside, I think she has ADHD and cannot sit still – I have ADHD and was diagnosed as an adult but my mom just says “that didn’t exist in my day! You don’t have that!” /eyeroll
So anyway, I just give her a list of these things under the guise of “I just don’t possibly have enough time to do and are stressing me out, if anything speaks to her she can feel free to tackle them but of course no obligation!”. It’s annoying but honestly saves the frustrating/arguing of her meddling in things I don’t want her to. Last visits’ projects: make new pillows for the couch, transplant some hostas from the front yard to some pre-dug holes I made, wash the deck and windows, organize some old photos which we had a lot of duplicates (which I think was a fun one for her).
I definitely need to channel the help as her bounderaries are also non-existent. Good luck and those will grow back!
Don’t have them over anymore.
Tell your husband his parents are no longer allowed to stay at YOUR house if they cant follow YOUR house rules. Honestly , this is why im going to be single forever. Dealing with my family and my life is enough🤣 i dont need to add compromises and stress from ANOTHER person’s life & family.
Take her to a store that sells succulents and insist she buys more to replace them, maybe she’ll think twice before touching your stuff again. I’m sorry but this looks deliberate there’s not a possibility this was done by accident or because she was trying to “help”.
I’d probably leave and tell your husband to call you when they’re gone. I’d think twice about allowing her into your home.
You can also take the leaves lay them in a planter inside your home in a sunny window preferably a kitchen window where it’s moister and spray them every now and then with some water they’ll start to grow new leaves and you’ll be able to move them back outside.
Basically, if you can’t follow house rules, you’re not coming in. Simple