I'll try to keep a long story short. Over the last 3 years, I've built my dream garden. It's 40×40 ft with lots of space for annuals and many perennials. it buzzes with bees in the summertime and I'm joined by birds while I tend to it. A real Disney experience. It's my heart and soul.
About 2 months ago, my ex blindsided me with a breakup. He is going to buy me out of our house and refuses to include any compensation for the garden in the buyout. I'll be moving into an apartment and really can't take the garden with me. I've made (mostly) peace with leaving the infrastructure, but the thought of leaving my perennials (~10 dwarf fruit trees, 5 raspberries, 2 blackberries, strawberries galore, grapes, hops, 10+ asparagus, 2 rhubarb, saffron and probably something I'm forgetting) is killing me. I hate the idea that he (or a future girlfriend or his mom) will get to harvest the literal fruits of my labor – and I will have to start over. What would you do?
++ A couple pics of my garden in her glory for your time
by windbcspin
27 Comments
Step 1: Divorce attorney.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That truly sucks and I can 100% empathize with not wanting potential future partners of his to benefit from your time, energy, and love.
If it were me, I’d pot up some of the perennials you can keep at an apartment. Maybe pot up some strawberries or flower bulbs. Maybe collect some seeds if you’re able? Then you can use those later on when you’re in a better space to build a new garden.
Sending you love 🖤
Salt the earth
Many perennials can be transplanted. Start reaching out to friends, community gardens, etc, and offer to donate!
That said, the birds and bees are not guilty of being your ex. Leaving things to continue providing habitat for them is a kindness to them. Plus maybe they will crap on your exes head, or sting someone for you?
Also? Please talk to an attorney. It’s worth paying for a consult to find out if you have any recourse re: time and labor on improvements, as well as any money you spent on these improvements. It is not a decision your ex gets to just declare.
I’d grieve the garden way more than the man. Prune, prune, prune, oops too much pruning?
Get a lawyer
Edit: If you can’t afford the legal battle, take everything you can that you paid for. Nonliving things like tools and beds and supplies, get a storage unit and keep the bulky stuff there until you have your own place to start over. Then figure out what of your perennials you can pot and take. Sell the rest. Do not leave your hard work for this man to enjoy!! He’s trying to screw you and if I were in your position I would be fueled enough by rage to make it impossible for him to keep this investment you made into the property.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that, that’s devastating. Your garden is absolutely stunning.
I would take as much with you as you can – you can start now with rooting cuttings on the raspberries, blackberries, and grapes, transplanting the strawberry runners, and depending on the types of fruit trees taking cuttings from them if it’s something like figs and mulberries that grow well from cuttings.
Once you’ve landed I would find local fruit growing hobbyist groups – people tend to be very generous with scions in those groups and would likely share them for free. Or if you post in online forums people trade and share freely. Of course this can never make up for the time and effort you’re losing with the move. Figs and citrus grow well in pots, if you’ll have a sunny spot on a balcony or something for them. Edit: I’ve actually seen people have good luck with small citrus like kumquats indoors with good grow lights as well!
A similar thing happened to me, and here’s what I did. I got cuttings of as many plants as I could. Not all of them made it, but the ones that did are living on my apartment balcony right now waiting until I have a garden again. I also took a couple of the better trellises and my ollas (watering pots-very expensive) and my garden tools and put them in my storage unit.
I have always planned on buying my own house with the money I got from my ex buying me out (our house was paid off, so I get 50% of it’s value), which is why I took that stuff. Starting over is going to be rough, though. It’s not like I could take everything, and our house was on a full acre of land. I won’t be able to get a lot that big ever again.
Breakups just suck when you’ve built a life together, so you just have to salvage what you can. Maybe your ex will let you dig up some of your plants and take them with you, if you have somewhere to put them. I’m sorry this happened to you.
I have had to move for my career, more than once. The parting from the home and garden that I’ve nurtured hurt a bit, and I have cried sometimes over the loss.
I found solace in planning my future. There will be new and different opportunities as you move forward. Map out what you want to accomplish and start down that path.
Sometimes I drive past my old homes when I visit family. I take some satisfaction in the heights of trees that I have planted. I have improved some things, and quite a bit of it, only the insects and birds appreciate.
Have you considered spite as a motivational tool? You could absolutely dig up most of your fruiting plants and find new homes for them. If you can dig them up without damaging the roots, someone might be willing to buy them from you or do the digging themselves. I’d make a post on your local gardening page – anything you can’t take up yourself must go, and everything is free to a good home. Beds, cattle panels and trellises, stakes, perennials, pots, gardening tools you don’t need, mulch, compost, soil, whatever.
If he doesn’t want to reimburse you and is forcing you out – and it sounds like it could be very illegal – he shouldn’t get to benefit for decades to come. I’m not suggesting you salt the earth or plant invasive, just that you take what you bought with your own money.
Harvest what you can
Transplant some to friends and family
Then plant mint
This punches me right in the feels, sister.
Is there a balcony at the apartment, or know anyone with a garden who can foster the plants for the time being?
I’d take my favorites with me at the very least.
If he’s not going to buy out the garden, hit up your local gardening groups and give away every trellis, post, piece of wood, and plant you can. Offer free soil, mulch, and greens. Take people’s diseased plants. Shame about the fruit trees op.
Do you have friends or family nearby? I’d start digging.
Give everything away. Then salt the ground.
Plant some mint and bamboo. You’ll have to start over and you will. Get in the apartment for a year and save your butt off and find your own little slice of paradise.
Why does he have the choice of just telling you he’s buying you out and why did you agree to the compensation if you know it includes nothing for the garden? How possible/uncomfortable/whatever would it be for him to allow you to still work the garden?
Does your apartment have a balcony/can you get one that does?
I have a balcony that is about 6′ x 10′. I keep around 50 different species on it, including a dwarf fruit tree, plenty of strawberries, two blueberries, and some other shrubby things (lavender, rosemary, hellebores). If you need any advice re: keeping plants on a balcony do ask away, but if I were in your shoes I would be uprooting and relocating at least your favourites.
I’d bet you could also host a giveaway amongst your friends/colleagues/Facebook strangers for any/all plants they’re willing to dig up themselves. Yes it would be a shame to see it all get pulled up, but a) you’d know they’d go to someone who cares about them and will help them thrive, and b) sometimes a little bit of spite is nice.
Edit: I’d also absolutely be removing + either storing or selling all of the hardware. Posts, fences, wire, tools. Anything that’s cheaper to keep in a storage unit for a few years than to buy again, take it with you.
I would take what I can stash around the apt in some sunny spots then dig out and sell the rest – around here people would snap those up on FB marketplace quickly! At least make some move money with all your hard cultivating work ❤️
See if there is a community garden not far from your apartment.
Wow. What an asshole. My first response is intensely petty. Take, sell off, or give away anything and everything that you can, and then plow the rest under. But then you mentioned bees, birds, etc. So I will modify my comments to say, leave what you can for the sake of the wildlife. (only leave the humans with things they’re not going to enjoy.)
I would take what you can and give away the rest in local gardening groups. I’m sure people would happily dig up free plants and give them a loving home, and he cant say squat since he sees no value. You might even get someone to babysit some of your plants, depending on the transition plan, or even trade for things you might need in your aapartment.
I’ve been there. Take as many cuttings and plants as you can and build a new garden wherever you go. It will always be a part of you. Don’t lament what was left but build on what you will accomplish in the future. Best of luck. ❤️
This fucking sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I know that in time, you’re going to have a bigger and better garden from everything you learned. It’s going to be fined tuned to perfection! I hope you can take some perennials with you. But if you can’t, you will rebuild!!!
Of your area has a community garden see if you can get/rent a spot. If not donate everything to then anyway if yiu can get a tax write off.
I had a friend who bought a lot way in the burbs just to garden so that might be an option. If you could find some fellow gardeners then this might kill two birds (a way to put yiur money from being bought out back into real estate and a place to create a garden. And eventually you could build there.
Take lots of pictures as a reference if you want to. Or rebuild and upgrade it at your new location. Building the garden can be as therapeutic as sitting in it with a cup of coffee after it’s complete. You should at least be able to take some cuttings from plants you like and propagate in the new place.