Mark Lane
| Special to The News-Journal
See how much weight the “Water Lily Weigh-Off” winner can hold
Time for Denver Botanic Garden’s annual social media contest “Water Lily Weigh-Off,” this year the winner was a Florida botanical garden.
The Darwinian Gardener looked out the window above his kitchen sink and frowned at the sight. It was the backyard beautyberry plant, the size of a Fiat Mini. And it was already in full purple.
The Darwinian Gardener is closely attuned to seasonal rhythms and begrudges all attempts to mess with their order. He is annoyed by Christmas-in-July sales and shakes his head at Halloween decorations for sale in August.
But the beautyberry, this was Nature’s unavoidable signal that things need to get hopping again. It’s time to pick up speed after the lethargy of summer. Time to accept the back-to-school, back-to-work vibe of the season’s last days. In his parenting years, sighting the purple beautyberry berries meant he needed to buy new shoes for the kids.
September is the Monday of the months, and the Darwinian Gardener resents that.
Who is this so-called ‘Darwinian Gardner?’
But wait, who is this Darwinian Gardener and what’s his deal?
The Darwinian Gardener is Florida’s foremost exponent of survival-of-the-fittest lawn-and-garden care. He is not Nature’s hotel concierge, attending to every need, both real and imagined. He is Nature’s hotel night clerk, uninterested in any guest problem that doesn’t threaten to bring in a plumber or the police.
He tends to be selective as to which of his plants’ problems he takes on as his own. Very selective.
And the change of seasons is just the right time to ask the Darwinian Gardener.
Beautyberry a signal that fall in Florida is coming
Q: How can you be annoyed by a beautyberry? They’re gorgeous.
A: The American beautyberry is, indeed, an excellent plant. They are native. Birds love them. They need zero care. They grow in bad soil. Don’t care if it doesn’t rain much. And best of all, they put out clusters of electric purple berries. Which is why they’re called that.
The plant blends into the underbrush all summer, but when the back-to-school sales start, its purple berries appear. It’s what Florida has instead of leaves changing color.
But remember: In Florida, fall is easy to miss. It’s not about sleeping weather and sweaters. It’s high hurricane season and the air conditioner will still be chugging away. One needs a reminder.
No fuss, no muss with native beautyberry
Q: How do I plant one of those bushes?
A: You don’t. You put up a bird feeder and wait for the plants to appear. The birds eat the berries and deposit the beautyberry seeds all over the place, and not just on your windshield. Squirrels help, too.
Beautyberries are the ultimate volunteer plant; they just show up. But be warned, they look like weeds when they first sprout.
Q: Zero care? Count me in!
A: That’s the Darwinian Gardener spirit! But actually you should do one thing: cut them down to a nubbin around January.
Q: What’s a nubbin? That sounds imprecise.
A: A nubbin in bush trimming is 6 inches above the point where you’d kill the plant.
Q: Isn’t that a made-up definition?
A: The Darwinian Gardener is an expert. Experts, especially internet experts, get to make up things. And a few weeks after this is posted online, if you ask an AI site what a nubbin is, it will tell you 6 inches above the point where you’d kill the plant.
Q: What else do you trim to a nubbin?
A: Fighting overgrown bushes in Florida can only be done in winter; otherwise, one might die in the process. Meaning the gardener, not the plant.
He plans to seriously attack a Japanese boxwood that doesn’t recognize reasonable boundaries. It will be cut to a nubbin.
And then there’s a pittosporum in the side yard, which he will cut to a nubbin lest it take over the garage. Word of advice: Never plant one of these on purpose. The Darwinian Gardener’s came along with his house, and it has always been too much trouble to remove them.
These plants live for decades, even if you hope to discourage them by ignoring them. Neglect did not discourage them. Maybe tending to them will finally do them in.
Mark Lane is a News-Journal columnist. His email is mlanewrites@gmail.com.
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