I’m a new plant parent and need mostly sunshine and happiness in my life rn due to an unfortunate series of events over the last 20 years. 😅😭 What do I need to stay away from like the literal plague and what should I consider for my next buys/props? Current collection includes jade, pothos, & basi, with multiples of each that I’ve nursed back to health or grown from props.
by DasSassyPantzen
38 Comments
Jade – yes!
Silver satin pothos – NEVER
I’ve been enjoying my spider plant, Coffea arabica, schefflera, and my fiddle leaf (my first plant). I struggled and eventually gave up on my palm, and my Chinese evergreen is finally starting to stabilize after a full year. I’m also not thrilled with my ability to get my croton to properly variegate.
I’m never buying another Calathea or gardenia. I swear this time it’s true. Really.
As for the easy ones: my Lemon Lime dracaena spent part of the summer outside, in a shady corner of my backyard, with it’s root ball exposed to the elements, NO POT, and was perfectly ok. I meant to repot it, was distracted and then forgot about it for several weeks. I neglected this poor plant so much in the 10 years I had it but it always bounced back. Unkillable.
My house is very dry, I have a south facing sunroom and south facing living room. Plants that I’ve had the most success vs effort ratio are Syngoniums, tradescantia, philos and a salvia libanensis. One step down, plants that aren’t super thriving but doing fine: calatheas and marantas, begonias, mint bonsai, string of hearts, bloodleaf, yucca, dracaena marginata, banana plant.
Really bad with Jade and pretty much all succulents (our house only has one good window, and unless it is hanging from the ceiling, the cats will wreck it). Jade is not great outside on our porch either due to excess humidity in our area.
I do alright with some of my plants under grow lights indoors, and varying degrees of success on our patio setup.
The plant that is absolutely thriving though is our nepenthes alata hanging pitcher plant. Had it for a year and have already separated and replanted three babies from it. They hang in our good window and bring joy to our kitchen.
Any type of calathea? Absolute douche canoe. 100%.
Hoyas? Love em! Leave em alone! They love you right back.
My dieffenbachia have been so easy, never any issues, one of which I bought for $5 on clearance and half dead. My white poinsettia is thriving while my pink one struggles under the same light and identical growing conditions. I’ve never had any luck at all with polka dot plants. They just get so leggy and drop leaves all day. My flf has been a dream, though I think that’s not the norm. Kalanchoe has also been super easy to care for. Schefflera and pilea have both done quite well. I have two varieties of snake plant, one struggles, the other is perfect. My golden pothos is also quite easy.
I have a ton of pothos varieties, several philodendrons, and I also enjoy quite a few tradescantia varieties.
My personal douche canoe list:
Tradescantia nanouk
Peperomias
Calatheas (shout out to my white fusion that is still living 🤞)
Succulents (idk how to successfully neglect anything)
Or easiest so far have been Thai con and Swiss cheese plant.. Or nemesis has been spider plants.. no idea why, but they always die in our house😂🤷🏼♂️
Jade plants are awesome, you pretty much can’t fk those up. Overwatering = death comes quickly. The trick is that they like to be bone dry, then watered thoroughly (use a moisture meter to find out the best time to water) and must be in very well draining soil that is mostly sandy dirt and perlite
I think that’s basil in pic 3? Relatively easy, but should be thought of as an “annual,” they tend to deteriorate as the years go by…that is, if you can get them to live that long, unless you’re in a place like FL
The other that appears to be a pothos – those are also very easy and low maintenance, I feel like they’re very difficult to kill, the only time it has ever happened to me is after repotting.
My lemon-lime philadendron should be dead, but is instead covering half the wall of my dining room and making all my friends envious.
Ming Aurelia — I love it and it hates me but it can’t stop me from trying again!!!! 😭
Same with no calathea, such drama queens!
I love my giant monstera, my heart leaf philodendron (received as a handsome water starter like 10 years ago and it and its babies are going strong!), and my cactus. I’m in a dry climate so they love it here in my window sill. Also coleus is an underrated fave! You like, can’t kill them!
I love your jade plant and your pot is gorgeous lol
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Fiddle Leaf Fool – hate that stupid plant that just wants to die
That Polka Dot BitchAss one – Got leggy and ugly and went into the garbage. #gurlbye
Calatheeyalater – loves to never like the way I watered it
Hoya – No ya gtfo
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Any kind Philodendron, Pothos, grocery store-chids, monstera, Swiss Cheese plants, dracaenas, Zz are my boos.
i’ve never been able to get a pretty looking diffenbachia. their leaves just stay small and ugly with crispy edges and the stalk gets leggy. tips would be appreciated! I’m currently on my second one, after my first died from root rot. every umbrella plant i’ve ever had has had scale, but i don’t care. i love them so much i’m willing to clean each leaf individually. my favorite is probably my philodendron brasil. best results with such little effort!
I’d embrace dragons tails! Glossy green and fast growing showoffs. They like to be close to the morning light. As their leaves get bigger they split and look sensational. I use chunky soil and water every week or two. Easy!
Same goes for umbrella plants. Same style mix and light/watering requirements.
Devils ivy (pothos) close to light on the afternoon side of the home. I bottom water every 2 weeks. Maybe once a week in summer. Chunky mix.
Philadendron heart leaves. Hang these friendly fellows anywhere you like! They are always willing to please. I bottom water.
Mini monsteras! I put these in small pots with Moss poles and chunky soil and water only very sparingly every 2 weeks. I keep them about 3-4 metres away from the morning light and they grow up, up and away! Gorgeous things.
Oo! Marantas (red veins), these are gorgeous! Not too much water, but water often! Don’t leave them sitting in excess water.
I’d turn away from calatheas. Tricky little fellows. Full of fuss and tantrums.
Orbifolios? No. Don’t let their stunning leaves fool you. If you can keep one of these thriving then you are my hero and I respect you utterly!
While I adore monstera Adasoni’s, they need too much care for my fancy. I don’t want to mist leaves every week.
Pick what you -have- to have.
And enjoy it!
I’m a big fan of just about anything in the Araceae family of plants. That’s a lot of tropical fun ones. My favorites are colocasias, alocasias, philodendrons, monsteras, and many many more.
The cats? They’re all douche canoes, I love them though!
Absolutely love my Birkin!!! My pride and joy (got her at a major chain grocery store- never woulda thought she’d do so great!!) She also has a baby growing beside her. Have had 3 new beautiful white leaves unroll within the past 3 weeks or so.
Idk but i have had a couple failed attempts with FLF’s though- unfortunately ran though a couple unsuccessfully [99% sure it was a lighting and watering issue.] Recently moved into a new house with way more windows and indirect light; may try again and see what happens
*
Arrow heads
I think my real answer is that I only came here to say that I am now going to borrow the term “douche canoe” now because I’ve never heard it and I like it infinitely.
Pileas hate me….but my pothos is THRIVING and has to have at least 50 feet worth of vines.
Surprise thrivers: corkscrew rush and bloodleaf
Douche canoes: Purple passion plant, fittonia, any fern
Surprise thrivers: corkscrew rush and bloodleaf
Douche canoes: Purple passion plant, fittonia, any fern
Surprise thrivers: corkscrew rush and bloodleaf
Douche canoes: Purple passion plant, fittonia, any fern
Surprise thrivers: corkscrew rush and bloodleaf
Douche canoes: Purple passion plant, fittonia, any fern
I’ve had a great time with melanochrysum, waroqueanum, and spiritus-sancti. And I’ve struggled with gloriosum, small form deliciosa, and cordatum. I’ve basically had the opposite experience as basically everyone else’s in the world.
So far my best plants growing are all of my snake plants, raven zz, green zz, and triostar. Surprisingly, my alocasia dragon scale and silver dragon are doing wonderful but not the other alocasia I have.
The only douche canoe I have is my alocasia platinum… it has joined the one leaf club 👿 and I’m struggling to keep it from going bald, so I switched it to leca in a self watering pot.
Well, I used to keep fish in aquariums. I would put in some Anubis in there with the fish. Anubis, when kept with live fish, is really easy to care for. Put in some Anubis nana in a 5 gallon tank with a single male betta fish and a low flow filter. Make sure you use some water conditioner and feed the betta fish thawed frozen bloodworms and a few betta pellets. Clean the tank at least once a week. Clean the filter if it gets clogged or starts not working as well as it should. Leave some of the surface water still so the betta can breathe from it. Yes betta fish need air. They will oddly drown if they do not get air. And they love to hide under Anubis nana. Anubis does not like sunlight. It likes aquarium lighting only or shade only. They grow slowly and do not need to be trimmed often. Just get a pair of aquarium shears to trim them when they need it. It will get all the nutrients it needs from fish poo. You can tie it to driftwood or decorations for a while until it attaches itself to them. Or you can just let it float on the water surface. Betta fish love it when you leave it to float on the surface. Anubis is one of the best plants I have ever had the pleasure of owning. And plus I got a pet fish out of the deal. Pretty cool actually.
Rubber plants and polka dot plants are assholes. I won’t ever do it again.
Chinese money trees stress me out too.
Umbrella trees are totally bros. Pothos are homies. Dragon trees are also awesome dudes.
I love my calathea’s too (sorry guys).
My prayer plant and monstera both hate me lol.
Alocasia can kiss my ass. Don’t have trouble with anything else. Love my philodendrons, Hoyas, and Pothos. All super easy.
Callisia repens
Very pretty, very pink, but perlite and bottom water that bitch or she WILL get stem rot
Love: zz plants, every variety of pothos i can find, monsteras, pepperonias, snake plants
Hate: peace lily’s. My mom has a bunch that thrive. Mine is barely hanging on.
Also any plant that needs a lot of humidity, will instantly die the moment my heater turns on in the winter.
My douche canoe list:
Peperomias- fuck this shit
Ferns- bitch kept losing leaves faster than the charlie brown Christmas tree before its glowup and died.
Air plants- I followed all the directions and yet this bitch said nah.
Any plant that’s planted in water= hard pass. I ain’t dealing with rank ass root rot again.
But give me any succulent, rubber tree plant, monstera, and we’re golden – especially strings plants. I love them
Have had three palm majesties and they all just fcking died like immediately 😑
Never been good with succulents either but I love my little lithops! Had him since August and have watered him once when I gave him new growing medium about a month ago lol he’s just chillin under a light and seems perfectly content. He looks like a little butt and it makes me smile every time I look at it
For me any alocasias I attempt to keep as indoor plants fricking hate me. If I look at em or do anything for that matter (like existing) they drop a leaf. 🥲 I want to love em – BUT they’ll forever be douche canoes. Ferns & ficus also all suck, they don’t appreciate anything!!!! Oh and poinsettias I prefer to buy/display/throw away after rehabbing 2 I’ve discovered they are ungrateful lil shits 💩…all the members of the Elite Douche Canoe society can burn in hell for all I care. They’re the reason I have trust issues lol🥲🤭😅 🚩⛳️🚩⛳️
Love love love my snake plants. Any type of pothos, succulents, strings of *{anything}* are sooo easy going. I find my scindapsus collection to be the easiest to care for plus the silvers+shades of green always look gorgeous… But my Monsteras & Philodendrons of all shapes/sizes I adore!! Super fun, rewarding, soo many to choose from – each of ‘em are just unique!!
I absolutely love more plants than I hate lol & I’m sure at some point more types will make it to the douche canoe list.
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